Winning!!

Things are in full swing in my advocacy world. This is keeping me wicked busy fortunately!! Here's a quick update though:

I've now been off ALL my anti-depressants for the last month. I've lost 40 lbs in 2 & 1/2 months with no gimmicks, fad diets, pills, patches, wraps, multi-level scams... Pole fitness has been incredible in so many ways. The confidence is back, emotionally I'm stronger, I realize my goals & am loving these changes. My pole family has my back. It's amazing!! 

Oktoberfest was this weekend. I was there from Weds at open till Sat at close. No anxiety at.all. None. It's been a great time but I'm beat! House sitting, enjoying the quiet, & regrouping. Will post more AFTER the 26th!!!! 

So it's been a while...

Some psychotic gun nut with a penis complex found my blog & tried to turn it into something ugly. He also used old info regarding an expired PO that was granted in which the judge ok'd our firearms due to the fact that we weren't granting the PO on the complaint but Little Dick didn't do his homework. Then he proceeded to say I have legal issues. THIS is laughable. I can't drive. I'm horrible at it. I have never claimed to be. I'm frequently ticketed. My DL has been suspended more often than not. Shit happens. So I am guessing either a) Little Dick doesn't drive or b) Little Dick himself, CANT. Whatever tho. 

The purpose of my blog has ALWAYS been to be open about The Trauma & my PTSD. This, according to Little Dick, makes me "unstable". Sure. I was raped (with my gun on my hip!!!) & I have ptsd stemming from that. Soldiers- you all are unstable too!! Domestic violence survivors, YOU are too unstable as well!!! Basically that's the gist of Little Dick's smear story. 

What Little Dick & his pencil dick ammosexual friends fail to realize is this- the more you hurl insults or attempt to drag us thru the mud, no matter how much you threaten, we aren't going away. Your bullshit actions prove that MY hard work with MOMS was & IS working. You're scared, & you should be. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. If I were a petty bitch I could run a smear campaign on you or any of your pencil dick friends. I don't HAVE to. Because we are winning. Slowly. You've threatened our rights to feel safe, you've threatened our kids' rights to feel safe, all because you've got a fucked up interpretation of 2A. Well sugar, good luck. I'm sure we will cross paths again. In fact, I look forward to it. 

Why sleep?

Doc put me on a new med- took me off the ugly Remeron. Put me on Doxepin. Remerons #1 side effect was weight gain. Doxepin combined with the Effexor & Wellbutrin could/did cause Seratonin Syndrome (hallucinations, among other things). No weight gain. I'm slowly losing. 

Pole dancing is great. I'm losing some of that self conscious hell, I feel more confident, & I'm losing weight. 

I'm not feeling too hot. Tuesday started in a frenzy, ended up feeling gross. Possible side effect or a bug? 

Stuck on some of the older hells. I'm worried that I'm slipping some but I know it's the disease. Stress, exhaustion, & new meds always come with nights like these. Blabbering too... 

Trying to explain this to strangers feels impossible. Today, at 2am, EVERYTHING seems impossible.... *sigh*

Trying to help...

Addiction, depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide...I'm familiar with them all. I've lost friends to suicide. I like to think that I will be able to help the next friend in crisis but I'm finding that not to be the case. 

Addiction has a way out. It's hard, it sucks, you stumble & fall & beat yourself up until one day, you've made it. 

Depression & anxiety are demons. You wrestle them day & night. Sometimes you win, you get out of bed, take a shower, act productive... Some days you don't move out of bed. It's like a weight in your chest that keeps you from moving or healing. 

Meds help. Therapy helps. Having a supportive family & friends helps. Sadly mental health in Oklahoma is such shit that you have to either have no $ or a ton of it. It's a broken system trying to fix broken people...

Suicide--- If you personally know me, you'd know I will walk thru hell with you to get you past that drive to end it. I'm selfish in that I don't wabt to lose anyone else. I can't. My email is erika.quinn78@gmail.com & from there I will give you my #. If that means we talk all night, I'm good with that. 

I love my friends. I don't like seeing them suffer. Please--get help. 

Hurt People Helping Hurt People

Met a woman at 3am last week when I couldn't sleep. She had been gang raped & was injured. She needed someone to talk to...the hospital wasn't keeping her in the loop on what was happening, the police were making her feel uncomfortable, & I kinda got the impression that she's either very very young & uneducated, or mildly retarded. This made explaining things so much harder. Being 900 miles away & not familiar with her hospital & police protocols, it was a lot of guess. Anti-anxiety meds, pain meds, line-ups, crying, no one to talk to....one night we talked for a couple hours, the next night it was from midnight to 5:30am. 

She doesn't know how to see a therapist or psychiatrist. She needs to. She says she will never leave the house again. She has a young child, they're moving in with her folks. She's petrified.... How broken is our system that she had to reach out to strangers on FB for support & to have questions answered? 

I just wanna ask y'all- please say a prayer for her. Send positive energy. Make a donation to DVIS/CallRape in your area. Thank someone who has helped you thru your biggest hell. I want to be able to reach out to her this weekend & tell her of the awesome people in her crone praying for her or donating to causes that help women like her. If you're one of those in need of help, please seek it out. Love & light y'all ❤️

The Fat Girl at the Dance Studio

Tonight I went to a regular class at the gym where I take pole class. Class tonight was called "Bikini Body". I knew when reading about the class that it'd be intense & quite possibly hard on my back. I also knew that I'd be the biggest girl there. Both I was ok with.

I have 100 lbs to drop. It's not going to be easy. I'm certainly not going to hide from the challenge any longer though. I'm done hiding. Period.

That hour schooled me on just how bad I had let myself get. Watching the girls with super tight, strong bodies "ugly girl sweat" (not something you can wipe off, it's intense, construction worker in 115 degrees sweaty) was reassuring though. I wasn't alone. They didn't look at me like I was disgusting them, they didn't pity me, they were supportive & I felt welcomed. 

Every muscle got a major workout, I am going to be in pain tomorrow for sure, but I made it. Already looking forward to next week ;) 

Awakening

Prior to The Trauma I was fearless. I was confident, I was secure, I was very much in touch with my femininity & the power that came along with it. 

After The Trauma I could "fake it" sometimes but I basically quit caring. I let myself go, physically. Some subconsciously, some due to my back issues. The result is a 100lb weight gain, severe anxiety, & insecurity. I lost my inner goddess. 

After being told AGAIN that I only need to lose weight to be rid of the back ailments, I decided to act. On a whim I googled "pole dance classes" & found Studio 7. That was last Wednesday. 

Keep in mind, I am a former Hootets girl, & I'm no stranger to pole dancing, but I am so out of touch when it comes to my sensuality, it shocked me. I literally couldn't tap into that part of my past. Slowly as the class progressed I could feel a bit more relaxed & a bit more comfortable with my body. Not in it's current shape, but with it's potential & ability. 

Sore everywhere BUT my back, I signed a 1-year contract for unlimited classes. It was fun. I can see this as a way to awaken my inner goddess & to be able to heal more, physically AND mentally. I look forward to it. The instructors are kind, supportive, & empathetic. They have given me a set of rules to start with. They're confident that I can reach my goal of losing 100lbs by next summer as long as I stick with the classes & my diet. 

This is huge. I see a faint glimmer of my old self. I will find her again. Watch out world, here I come!! 

Who wins the world? MOMS!!

Pardon the lack of communications. I've been a tad busy. I actually meant to post several times but the words were...gone. Where to start.

I have hidden behind the keyboard far too long. I've let myself get wrapped up in my own disease until it's left me strangled. No more.

I spent the last weekend with 200 moms & dad's from all over the country. I'm the Communications Lead/Advocacy Interim for the OK chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. I listened to brave survivors tell their stories. I met women who'd lost their children....their babies for Gods sake... Whether it was gun violence or a car crash, the fact remained, they'd lost their babies. I have mine. Both of them. Three are in Gods arms after miscarriages etc...but I have my babies. I'm a survivor though, & that created a bond, made me part of a family no one wants to be a part of.

We lose 33 people a day to gun violence. 8 of those are kids. With statistics like these, how can we NOT act??? Were it a disease, we would be all up in the CDC's ass to find a cure, a vaccine. But we're talking bullets, not cells & bacteria. And along with fossil fuels, America is drunk on it's almost pornographic adoration of guns & the NRA. People see this as a black & white issue, it's not. Unless you've been convicted of a violent crime, we don't want your guns. We want enforcement of laws, expanded background checks, & an end to private sales & the gun show loopholes. For the average Joe, that means maybe an extra form to fill out. Is it so hard to do that or do you want the blood of more children on YOUR hands?

We are serious. Times up. For 30 years the leadership of the NRA has turned this issue into a disaster that keeps replaying in thousands of homes a year. It's time to let Moms fix this issue. I encourage you to find your local chapter, go to the moms website or Everytown site & get involved!!!

Calm....still

I know it's a matter of time. My anxiety is thru the roof, & the night terrors are bad. I'm sleeping a lot due to waking up so frequently. I need to blow my top, & soon. 

Sounds weird I know, but the release is necessary if I'm to function. Until then.... 

Hatred

Hot burning hatred. Hurts my soul. Steals my peace. Needs release. 

I made it thru an evening out without melting down despite having been jolted by unseen approaches, pats on the back or shoulder, etc... The Rage is still there, bubbling, boiling, waiting to blow the top in nuclear fashion. 

I have training end week in Denver with an amazing group of women with a common goal to end gun violence. Sadly I won't be the only PTSD survivor there, but should I melt down there, I know a couple of ladies who'll care for me. I want it out of me now. Before I leave. Before I smother in my own pain & anger. 

The Letters....

Dear Paul,

I didn't know what a penis looked like, I didn't know what you expected a 4 year old to do with it, but you tried anyway. You caused a fracture in my world, cost me the ability to trust ANYONE & caused a chasm in my relationship with my dad. You gave my mother a reason, an excuse, to play the martyr at my expense. You caused me hell for years, making me feel like I'd never be safe, making me feel like all men were dicks. 

Dear Mason,

Fuck you. My hatred for you burns like acid on my soul. I should have gone with my gut, J said you were a creeper, but I was vulnerable & you took advantage of that. Fuck you fuck you fuck YOU!!! I tried to forget The Trauma. I can't. Every year, you regain the upper hand on March 6. You've taken beautiful parts of life & made them humiliating & gross. I've searched the casualty lists, I never found you. I wish I had. But knowing that maybe, somewhere out there, you relive battle nightmares from one war or another, makes me giggly. I hate you & hope you suffer thru life like the piece of shit that you are. 

(This is all I have today. I waited too long, this is a different set of letters that I'd wanted to write. I'm raw & super hyper-anxious today. Praying for release in a healthy manner.... Remember The Rage? I'm close...)

Activism on the Gun Front Lines

I'm an advocate for stricter gun legislation. Raised by a cop, married into the ARMY to a momma's boy who was taught to hunt & fish for survival. Neato. We own guns. Legally. If my government wanted me to register these guns, I would with no hesitation.  

Everyone says Sandy Hook changed their life, made them into activists, got them fired up. For me it was a long combination- from my Trauma, to Columbine when my oldest was 2 months old, to a shooting at a Oklahoma school, to starting my career in EMS/nursing. Ah nursing...

This is the lynch pin. This is the icing on the cake, straw that broke the camels back, end all be all. August 2002 I had my first GSV (gun shot victim) who happened to come thru the cardiac ICU where I'd started working. Dude was 27, had 3 kids, there were fights & words in the waiting room... The aorta was toast & couldn't hold a repair. He died. His moms wails haunt me to this day.

Not just his moms tho. It's been a long 13 year career in EMS/nursing. I've heard families fall apart numerous times, in numerous ways, but always always ALWAYS there's that one....voice. That one that penetrates every fiber of your being. Mom, sister, wife, father, daughter... That wail. Every time. 

Hold tight to your values. If God & guns are your religion, fine, but my values are my right to be safe, for my children to be safe from gun violence, & that we don't have to experience "That Wail" ever again. 

Getting it OUT

The Toxics are what I dread. I get hit with them fast, like a ton of lead weight. It starts with a small crack in happy. You would miss it even if you knew me inside & out. Quickly it permeates my mood, turning me into a depressed, moody, angry person. This can stay that way for days before The Rage. Sometimes I can hide The Toxics all the way up to the The Rage but it always comes. Always. 

I'm ashamed that my kids have lived in fear at times. We all joke about my epic temper but there's an underlying ugliness. I've broken things, said heinous things, & acted a fool. Once The Rage is over, depression takes hold or I can return to Ground Zero Happiness. 

This is common with us PTSD folk. I'm not alone in this. Coping skills & attempts at battling only make things worse. I have hope that as time goes on, I learn to manage The Toxics & Rage better. 

Flashbacks = kryptonite

Last night was my birthday. We were at a local bar having drinks, throwing darts. Great time. Then suddenly all the noise was sucked from the room. I could see my friends around me having a good time, but I wasn't "tuned in". I was reliving my Trauma. 

Not all flashbacks are the same. Some are mere inconveniences. Some are debilitating. Last night I managed to squeak out my husbands name loud enough to get him to me. He handles this amazingly well. Gently. Calmly. I won't say I handled the incident well because I was drinking A LOT. 

Just be there folks. Whether it's me, or someone else, just be there. If they/I say back off, I'm not doing it to hurt you. None of what happens is about you. It's about us & what we are reliving. Love & patience is key. 

Birthdays

I don't know, I guess even when my meds are working & I'm "happy", birthdays just aren't all they used to be. Even my birthday- 4 months after the anniversary of The Trauma- is a reminder of what happened. This is just the insight of today for me. 

I love my family & friends & co-activists who've wished me well, I love that yesterday Germany won the World Cup, I love that my daughter wants to spend time with me (she's 12, that's rare). I don't have a reason to be unhappy. 

Something is just always "off". Happy 36th to me though. Tonight we celebrate with darts & bier & friends. I will have no complaints. I just wish it was less stressy. 

Not A Post for My Parents...

Since my attack threw up in my life in 2010 I've had no sex drive. This is apparently common. I wish it wasn't, but it is. 

Meds don't help either. They make things almost impossible to "work". 

Between flashbacks, the lack of desire, low self esteem, meds making things not blast off, etc... This might ruin my marriage. We've been thru hell but this is like oxygen to my marriage & right now, I'm suffocating. 

Therapist said to "cut off the crusts", basically throw him a bone because I love him but that's not a solution. I seriously feel repulsed. This is an area where I need fixing. This needs to be a non-issue. Science needs to help a sista out. 

*sigh* I know I keep promising those letters. Soon, I swear, I'm just not quite as "there" as I'd like to be. 

Happy Places, Happy Faces

Those with PTSD need an escape. Sometimes we suck at making healthy choices- I feed my feelings fried food & chocolate- I'm also a recovering addict of 13+ years (GO ME!!! Keep comin back, it works if ya work it). I hit a nervous breakdown of EPIC proportion in April. The kind that will be remembered in my family for years to come. Legendary, epic, total & complete meltdown. I had one escape- docent training at the local zoo. 13 people, all passionate about animals & conservation, keeping my mind away from the DANGER!!! signs. 

I've since graduated the docent program. Actually graduated May 9, left for Europe May 10. Happy place #2 but my first choice ALWAYS is Europe. I spent a week in the Czech Republic (meh), 4 days in Vienna (stunning), 8 days in Berchtesgaden & Salzburg, 3 days in Füssen where Neuschwanstein & Hohenschwangau castles are located, 5 days in Amtzell where my family is & my incubator was birthed, & 5 days in Hamburg saying good bye to my tante (aunt) & seeing my older but sufficiently cooler cousins. All that travel. All. By. My. Self. 

If you're a survivor reading this, I've just graduated to a level of badassery that one only dreams of. It was amazing. It was empowering to maneuver my way thru strange places, different languages, really weird food, all left to my own devices. Bad. Ass. 

I realize that Euorope isn't practical for all y'all. I realize for some, happy places are in your 4 walls. Some PTSD sufferers are agoraphobic. I've been there. I have to watch myself to NOT get there. Point is, we all need to find that one spot that makes us tick, makes us feel anything other than fear/anxiety/depression. 

What's yours? 

"Get over it"

3 words that will send me into a blind rage that makes a charging momma grizzly look like a tame kitten. Get over it? Gee why didn't I think of that? You mean all this time, all I needed to do was turn off the crazy like a switch? Well, your Masters in McDonalds must make you qualified to tell me how to run my life. 

Things I need- 

• To know you're not leaving

• Support

• Guidance

• Time

Things I don't need-

• Judgement 

• Suffocating 

• Telling me to take my meds when I'm having an off day

• See the title of the blog

This is my reality. I live in my head. I relive memories as vividly as the day it happened. I try to do normal things but some days, I can not. Some days I need my space. In fact, I'm one who does better on my own, with my mind occupied & less responsibility. This has caused me to be labeled a "bad mom".  If I'm elevated, a nervous wreck, in a constant depressed state, unplugged from their day to day lives but living at home, that makes me a "good" mom? As opposed to living apart some, getting space, being my own person & actively involving myself when I'm mentally able? 

I may do things differently than the "normal" person or the next guy with PTSD, but this is me. 

I promise next time I will get to the letters.... 

Medication Hell

I'm on 17 different meds a day. Pain meds, depression meds, anxiety meds, sleeping meds, ADD meds & meds for neuropathy. I'm a walking pharmacy.

It's dawned on me recently, & more often in frequency, that I could lose most, if not all of my meds if weed were legalized. Now, I'm in Oklahoma, where we sell 3.2% beer & you have to buy wine from a liquor store. Marijuhana legalization is probably not going to happen for at least 50 years in my state.

As a teen, I smoked pot. Not my proudest moments but, ya know.... I don't like the way it made me feel & smoking it is kinda bad for my asthma. It occurs to me that, with the legalization in other states & other methods of delivery, if we could legalize it here, even if just medicinally, I could potentially solve most of my problems. My anxiety & depression, my pain, my nausea...poof.

I'd love for this to end happily for me. My meds have caused me to gain 100 lbs, have screwed with other functions, & has cost me a fortune.

This was just a thought running thru my head today as I lay writhing in pain & anxious from the night terrors. Oklahoma has an advocate for legalization or decriminalization- Connie Johnson. I do so hope you'll join me in helping her get elected starting in August.

More acronyms!!!!

PTSD is the kingpin in my mental illness BUT I'm also ADD with OCD.  This leads to....quirks.

• My food can't touch.
• M&M's & Skittles have to be separated & eaten in a certain way. Specific colors. Never mixing.
• I can eat one food at a time, always in the same order. IE- fries, then the burger.
• I can sit through a 2 hour movie until the last 10 minutes. Then I'm done. I get bored, I can't think of finishing the movie, I don't care, I just give up. Even the best movies. Every. Single. Time.
• I love crafts. I have yet to finish more than 2 out of dozens.
• No wire hangars. Not because of "Mommie Dearest" but because of the sound they make on the rack.
• I have to sleep away from the door. Maybe that's a combo of the OCD & PTSD? If someone breaks in, they'll have to kill Spouse to get to me.

There's more, much much more, but basically I think I'm a well rounded fruit loop. (Get it? LOL!)