Trying to help...

Addiction, depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide...I'm familiar with them all. I've lost friends to suicide. I like to think that I will be able to help the next friend in crisis but I'm finding that not to be the case. 

Addiction has a way out. It's hard, it sucks, you stumble & fall & beat yourself up until one day, you've made it. 

Depression & anxiety are demons. You wrestle them day & night. Sometimes you win, you get out of bed, take a shower, act productive... Some days you don't move out of bed. It's like a weight in your chest that keeps you from moving or healing. 

Meds help. Therapy helps. Having a supportive family & friends helps. Sadly mental health in Oklahoma is such shit that you have to either have no $ or a ton of it. It's a broken system trying to fix broken people...

Suicide--- If you personally know me, you'd know I will walk thru hell with you to get you past that drive to end it. I'm selfish in that I don't wabt to lose anyone else. I can't. My email is erika.quinn78@gmail.com & from there I will give you my #. If that means we talk all night, I'm good with that. 

I love my friends. I don't like seeing them suffer. Please--get help. 

Hurt People Helping Hurt People

Met a woman at 3am last week when I couldn't sleep. She had been gang raped & was injured. She needed someone to talk to...the hospital wasn't keeping her in the loop on what was happening, the police were making her feel uncomfortable, & I kinda got the impression that she's either very very young & uneducated, or mildly retarded. This made explaining things so much harder. Being 900 miles away & not familiar with her hospital & police protocols, it was a lot of guess. Anti-anxiety meds, pain meds, line-ups, crying, no one to talk to....one night we talked for a couple hours, the next night it was from midnight to 5:30am. 

She doesn't know how to see a therapist or psychiatrist. She needs to. She says she will never leave the house again. She has a young child, they're moving in with her folks. She's petrified.... How broken is our system that she had to reach out to strangers on FB for support & to have questions answered? 

I just wanna ask y'all- please say a prayer for her. Send positive energy. Make a donation to DVIS/CallRape in your area. Thank someone who has helped you thru your biggest hell. I want to be able to reach out to her this weekend & tell her of the awesome people in her crone praying for her or donating to causes that help women like her. If you're one of those in need of help, please seek it out. Love & light y'all ❤️

The Fat Girl at the Dance Studio

Tonight I went to a regular class at the gym where I take pole class. Class tonight was called "Bikini Body". I knew when reading about the class that it'd be intense & quite possibly hard on my back. I also knew that I'd be the biggest girl there. Both I was ok with.

I have 100 lbs to drop. It's not going to be easy. I'm certainly not going to hide from the challenge any longer though. I'm done hiding. Period.

That hour schooled me on just how bad I had let myself get. Watching the girls with super tight, strong bodies "ugly girl sweat" (not something you can wipe off, it's intense, construction worker in 115 degrees sweaty) was reassuring though. I wasn't alone. They didn't look at me like I was disgusting them, they didn't pity me, they were supportive & I felt welcomed. 

Every muscle got a major workout, I am going to be in pain tomorrow for sure, but I made it. Already looking forward to next week ;) 

Awakening

Prior to The Trauma I was fearless. I was confident, I was secure, I was very much in touch with my femininity & the power that came along with it. 

After The Trauma I could "fake it" sometimes but I basically quit caring. I let myself go, physically. Some subconsciously, some due to my back issues. The result is a 100lb weight gain, severe anxiety, & insecurity. I lost my inner goddess. 

After being told AGAIN that I only need to lose weight to be rid of the back ailments, I decided to act. On a whim I googled "pole dance classes" & found Studio 7. That was last Wednesday. 

Keep in mind, I am a former Hootets girl, & I'm no stranger to pole dancing, but I am so out of touch when it comes to my sensuality, it shocked me. I literally couldn't tap into that part of my past. Slowly as the class progressed I could feel a bit more relaxed & a bit more comfortable with my body. Not in it's current shape, but with it's potential & ability. 

Sore everywhere BUT my back, I signed a 1-year contract for unlimited classes. It was fun. I can see this as a way to awaken my inner goddess & to be able to heal more, physically AND mentally. I look forward to it. The instructors are kind, supportive, & empathetic. They have given me a set of rules to start with. They're confident that I can reach my goal of losing 100lbs by next summer as long as I stick with the classes & my diet. 

This is huge. I see a faint glimmer of my old self. I will find her again. Watch out world, here I come!! 

Who wins the world? MOMS!!

Pardon the lack of communications. I've been a tad busy. I actually meant to post several times but the words were...gone. Where to start.

I have hidden behind the keyboard far too long. I've let myself get wrapped up in my own disease until it's left me strangled. No more.

I spent the last weekend with 200 moms & dad's from all over the country. I'm the Communications Lead/Advocacy Interim for the OK chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. I listened to brave survivors tell their stories. I met women who'd lost their children....their babies for Gods sake... Whether it was gun violence or a car crash, the fact remained, they'd lost their babies. I have mine. Both of them. Three are in Gods arms after miscarriages etc...but I have my babies. I'm a survivor though, & that created a bond, made me part of a family no one wants to be a part of.

We lose 33 people a day to gun violence. 8 of those are kids. With statistics like these, how can we NOT act??? Were it a disease, we would be all up in the CDC's ass to find a cure, a vaccine. But we're talking bullets, not cells & bacteria. And along with fossil fuels, America is drunk on it's almost pornographic adoration of guns & the NRA. People see this as a black & white issue, it's not. Unless you've been convicted of a violent crime, we don't want your guns. We want enforcement of laws, expanded background checks, & an end to private sales & the gun show loopholes. For the average Joe, that means maybe an extra form to fill out. Is it so hard to do that or do you want the blood of more children on YOUR hands?

We are serious. Times up. For 30 years the leadership of the NRA has turned this issue into a disaster that keeps replaying in thousands of homes a year. It's time to let Moms fix this issue. I encourage you to find your local chapter, go to the moms website or Everytown site & get involved!!!