Winning!!

Things are in full swing in my advocacy world. This is keeping me wicked busy fortunately!! Here's a quick update though:

I've now been off ALL my anti-depressants for the last month. I've lost 40 lbs in 2 & 1/2 months with no gimmicks, fad diets, pills, patches, wraps, multi-level scams... Pole fitness has been incredible in so many ways. The confidence is back, emotionally I'm stronger, I realize my goals & am loving these changes. My pole family has my back. It's amazing!! 

Oktoberfest was this weekend. I was there from Weds at open till Sat at close. No anxiety at.all. None. It's been a great time but I'm beat! House sitting, enjoying the quiet, & regrouping. Will post more AFTER the 26th!!!! 

So it's been a while...

Some psychotic gun nut with a penis complex found my blog & tried to turn it into something ugly. He also used old info regarding an expired PO that was granted in which the judge ok'd our firearms due to the fact that we weren't granting the PO on the complaint but Little Dick didn't do his homework. Then he proceeded to say I have legal issues. THIS is laughable. I can't drive. I'm horrible at it. I have never claimed to be. I'm frequently ticketed. My DL has been suspended more often than not. Shit happens. So I am guessing either a) Little Dick doesn't drive or b) Little Dick himself, CANT. Whatever tho. 

The purpose of my blog has ALWAYS been to be open about The Trauma & my PTSD. This, according to Little Dick, makes me "unstable". Sure. I was raped (with my gun on my hip!!!) & I have ptsd stemming from that. Soldiers- you all are unstable too!! Domestic violence survivors, YOU are too unstable as well!!! Basically that's the gist of Little Dick's smear story. 

What Little Dick & his pencil dick ammosexual friends fail to realize is this- the more you hurl insults or attempt to drag us thru the mud, no matter how much you threaten, we aren't going away. Your bullshit actions prove that MY hard work with MOMS was & IS working. You're scared, & you should be. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. If I were a petty bitch I could run a smear campaign on you or any of your pencil dick friends. I don't HAVE to. Because we are winning. Slowly. You've threatened our rights to feel safe, you've threatened our kids' rights to feel safe, all because you've got a fucked up interpretation of 2A. Well sugar, good luck. I'm sure we will cross paths again. In fact, I look forward to it. 

Why sleep?

Doc put me on a new med- took me off the ugly Remeron. Put me on Doxepin. Remerons #1 side effect was weight gain. Doxepin combined with the Effexor & Wellbutrin could/did cause Seratonin Syndrome (hallucinations, among other things). No weight gain. I'm slowly losing. 

Pole dancing is great. I'm losing some of that self conscious hell, I feel more confident, & I'm losing weight. 

I'm not feeling too hot. Tuesday started in a frenzy, ended up feeling gross. Possible side effect or a bug? 

Stuck on some of the older hells. I'm worried that I'm slipping some but I know it's the disease. Stress, exhaustion, & new meds always come with nights like these. Blabbering too... 

Trying to explain this to strangers feels impossible. Today, at 2am, EVERYTHING seems impossible.... *sigh*

Trying to help...

Addiction, depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide...I'm familiar with them all. I've lost friends to suicide. I like to think that I will be able to help the next friend in crisis but I'm finding that not to be the case. 

Addiction has a way out. It's hard, it sucks, you stumble & fall & beat yourself up until one day, you've made it. 

Depression & anxiety are demons. You wrestle them day & night. Sometimes you win, you get out of bed, take a shower, act productive... Some days you don't move out of bed. It's like a weight in your chest that keeps you from moving or healing. 

Meds help. Therapy helps. Having a supportive family & friends helps. Sadly mental health in Oklahoma is such shit that you have to either have no $ or a ton of it. It's a broken system trying to fix broken people...

Suicide--- If you personally know me, you'd know I will walk thru hell with you to get you past that drive to end it. I'm selfish in that I don't wabt to lose anyone else. I can't. My email is erika.quinn78@gmail.com & from there I will give you my #. If that means we talk all night, I'm good with that. 

I love my friends. I don't like seeing them suffer. Please--get help. 

Hurt People Helping Hurt People

Met a woman at 3am last week when I couldn't sleep. She had been gang raped & was injured. She needed someone to talk to...the hospital wasn't keeping her in the loop on what was happening, the police were making her feel uncomfortable, & I kinda got the impression that she's either very very young & uneducated, or mildly retarded. This made explaining things so much harder. Being 900 miles away & not familiar with her hospital & police protocols, it was a lot of guess. Anti-anxiety meds, pain meds, line-ups, crying, no one to talk to....one night we talked for a couple hours, the next night it was from midnight to 5:30am. 

She doesn't know how to see a therapist or psychiatrist. She needs to. She says she will never leave the house again. She has a young child, they're moving in with her folks. She's petrified.... How broken is our system that she had to reach out to strangers on FB for support & to have questions answered? 

I just wanna ask y'all- please say a prayer for her. Send positive energy. Make a donation to DVIS/CallRape in your area. Thank someone who has helped you thru your biggest hell. I want to be able to reach out to her this weekend & tell her of the awesome people in her crone praying for her or donating to causes that help women like her. If you're one of those in need of help, please seek it out. Love & light y'all ❤️

The Fat Girl at the Dance Studio

Tonight I went to a regular class at the gym where I take pole class. Class tonight was called "Bikini Body". I knew when reading about the class that it'd be intense & quite possibly hard on my back. I also knew that I'd be the biggest girl there. Both I was ok with.

I have 100 lbs to drop. It's not going to be easy. I'm certainly not going to hide from the challenge any longer though. I'm done hiding. Period.

That hour schooled me on just how bad I had let myself get. Watching the girls with super tight, strong bodies "ugly girl sweat" (not something you can wipe off, it's intense, construction worker in 115 degrees sweaty) was reassuring though. I wasn't alone. They didn't look at me like I was disgusting them, they didn't pity me, they were supportive & I felt welcomed. 

Every muscle got a major workout, I am going to be in pain tomorrow for sure, but I made it. Already looking forward to next week ;) 

Awakening

Prior to The Trauma I was fearless. I was confident, I was secure, I was very much in touch with my femininity & the power that came along with it. 

After The Trauma I could "fake it" sometimes but I basically quit caring. I let myself go, physically. Some subconsciously, some due to my back issues. The result is a 100lb weight gain, severe anxiety, & insecurity. I lost my inner goddess. 

After being told AGAIN that I only need to lose weight to be rid of the back ailments, I decided to act. On a whim I googled "pole dance classes" & found Studio 7. That was last Wednesday. 

Keep in mind, I am a former Hootets girl, & I'm no stranger to pole dancing, but I am so out of touch when it comes to my sensuality, it shocked me. I literally couldn't tap into that part of my past. Slowly as the class progressed I could feel a bit more relaxed & a bit more comfortable with my body. Not in it's current shape, but with it's potential & ability. 

Sore everywhere BUT my back, I signed a 1-year contract for unlimited classes. It was fun. I can see this as a way to awaken my inner goddess & to be able to heal more, physically AND mentally. I look forward to it. The instructors are kind, supportive, & empathetic. They have given me a set of rules to start with. They're confident that I can reach my goal of losing 100lbs by next summer as long as I stick with the classes & my diet. 

This is huge. I see a faint glimmer of my old self. I will find her again. Watch out world, here I come!!